Uninvited guest that it is, grief is the experience of coping with loss.
Job loss, devastating diagnosis, divorce, loss of a dream, of a beloved pet, of a friendship, the loss of a loved one. Grief can leave you gasping for your next breath or be as thick and deafening as a blanket of fog between you and the world.
We may weep and grieve, but for those in Christ it is not without hope.
On September 10, 2023, I climbed up and laid beside my daddy in his bed. His breathing had become noisy and shallow. He was peaceful and aware that my husband, Travis, and I were there. His eyes, however, focused beyond us, staring upward. When I put my hand on his cheek, he smiled his familiar smile.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. (Ps 23:1) God is forever present with his people. Because he is our Good Shepherd, we sheep have confidence that we will never lack whatever we need. For our Shepherd loves us.
My momma left the bedroom first, followed by my husband. They were allowing me time alone to talk with my daddy. I watched him breath and prayed aloud. I asked if he was ready to be with Jesus. He whispered yes and smiled again. I asked if he was afraid. He whispered no. Daddy’s favorite hymn was “I’ll Fly Away.” He was ready to do just that.
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his names sake. (Ps 23:2-3) Green pastures are places for sheep to rest in peace because their shepherd cares and provides what is needed. Weariness finds rest. Thirst quenched. Helplessness restored. Lostness led in the right paths.
That Sunday night last year, each of us who love Daddy knew we were stewarding not the nursing of him back to his health but to his slow surrender of it. (Every Moment Holy) The tears didn’t hit me until I was home. I cried for all the past happiness that will never come again, for all the good memories, sweet tender moments, hard losses, joys that we experienced and those that might have been. I grieved not receiving my daddy’s daily phone calls anymore and wished I had recorded more of them.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Ps 23:4) To eventually lead the sheep into bright spaces to pasture, the shepherd must lead them into uncertain valleys they don’t know yet. Although they may be reluctant, the sheep go with the shepherd. They trust him.
I opened my Bible to Psalm 23 that night and I read the passage aloud. I cried and cried and I thanked God for my daddy’s life. He was born at home in 1944, the 3rd of 8 boys with one sister, and described by his mom as always having beautiful, sparkling green eyes and long black eyelashes. He fell in love and married by mom when he was 21 and she was 17. They were married for 58 years. In 2003, at the age of 59, Daddy gave his life to Christ. He was daddy to two daughters whom he called his birds, two sons-in-law he called his lads, his 6 grandchildren who were Poppy’s posse, and he loved his two grandsons-in-law, four great granddaughters and his great grandson.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Ps 23:6) Guided by the shepherd, there is comfort. We are held in his care.
The phone rang that night a year ago at 11:10pm. When I saw my momma’s name on the screen, I knew. My first response was not fear or frantic pleading with God to let daddy live longer, instead I fell to the floor giving thanks to God for taking daddy home quickly without pain and suffering. My heavenly Father’s comfort; His never-ceasing mercies.
Since the evening my daddy breathed his last breath, I’ve asked God for strength in this ache of loss. I’ve experienced God’s faithfulness as my provider, source of strength, comforter, rest in weariness, giving grace and power in my weakness and limitations.
He has provided a community to encourage, uplift and remind me that we are not alone in our loss. I am grateful for greater dependence upon God, and the richer understanding of the ways in which He is always and forever my heavenly advocate and now, in an even more significant way, my Father.
Our faithful God leading us to green pastures to rest in Him, leading us home.